josh and derek the mechanics

it is obvious to me that, as far as this current moment is concerned, i am doing this whole blog thing for my own personal enjoyment. i think the only person who looks at this besides myself is josh and that is only when i try to show him something funny i wrote. there is a bit of absurdity in the thought that your personal life is of some sort of interest to all these people. so i that i admit my fault. i will remember this realization and learn from it and reset my reasoning for doing this. if i want this to be at all real i have to not know or care whether or not anyone ever stumbles accross this site. that is the only way that i can continue doing this because now it has become too familiar and if i were honest with myself i would admit to living my life through obscurity.
so, that being said, what am i feeling right now... i feel like if i just have another beer and start painting, things will be just right. i have been suprising myself lately at my own ambition. at work i am like some kind of goober that is all into working his way up in the system. the only reason i really try to get into work is because i will be getting a raise soon and if i have more money to waste and then think that i needed in the first place, somehow i am tricked into thinking that things will be better then. i made rent this month and that felt good/ i bought four cds when i went to just buy one and i felt sick about it. what the hell does that mean? i definately know that hard work, real work, has been so rewarding. a year ago right now i would have just been getting off work from the matinence garage at snow summit. josh and i would work all day laughing and growing closer. smoking these nasty vanilla flavored "mini cigars" and covered in grease. we would take out hundreds of bolts and nuts and then put new ones on these huge tracks... that's it... all day. the guys we worked with were complete assholes and some how i look back on that and think "i miss that" we were so happy. i remember how good it would feel, covered in dirt, your muscles aching everywhere, our hands got so dirty that they were never really clean until we had not been working for like a week. and how good the sun would feel on you when you went outside for lunch. we would get up in the morning and make some coffee and take a shower and meet up and drive there together drinking coffee, smoking and eating ham and cheese croissants. the air was so cold and crisp in the morning in big bear. we would get there and turn into "men" driving snow cats and front end loaders. i have some of the fondest and most wonderful memories with josh and that is definately one. the coolest things about that is that no one reading this will really understand and feel what i am writing when they read this except for josh. if you are reading this josh, i miss you sooo much.
let's see, two years ago i was dating rosie and living with tim and roli in redding. how odd it is.