brothers on a hotel bed

right now i feel a mixture of AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! and uuuggggghhhhh. i am listening to the new recordings of ann lynn and they are breaking my heart. i miss matt and josh so much. this distance has been causing turbulence. or maybe it has just been causing me to be an ass. maybe it is putting a fork in roads that have always wound so harmoniously together as one. i am feeling the distance friends. why do i feel this painful urge to beg everyone around me to please not fall out of love. i just noticed that i am running out of batteries. man, maybe i just need to go to bed. but as much as moments like these hurt, there is nothing that has ever felt so close to my heart. i read that quote that amber put on her and matt's blog. maybe that is what got me thinking. i wanted to write it down. how freaking pathetic! as if it was some new magic spell that i had come across that would remind me everytime i pulled it out to enjoy my beautiful life. that never works like you would want it to. to tell the truth, reading that just now made me react in a way that is causing me to take advantage and be honest and allow myself to see me with an honest light right now. i will never read that the same way again and that is ok with me because it really really inspired me and trying to memorize it or write it on my mirror or something would just be trying to re-create something that will only happen purely in one moment. who knows, who knows anything really. i imagine you all in these scenarios comprised of some of my most fond memories with you all. i try to think of what music you are all listening to right now or what you are wearing or what you are drinking, what the room around you feels like, the small noises in the background. but, as it is for me as well, there is nothing like a face to face look in the eyes and a warm embrace. here's to that friends. soon. please know that i am smiling right now thinking of all of you. please know that this band thing is something i have always dreamed of, yes i do love the music we play, no i don't mind playing bass at all, in fact i really really love the instrument and i learn more and more about it every time i play. i miss you all incredibly but i am so very happy where i am in life and God has been doing the most wonderful things in my life since i joined. i know a lot of things have changed but my heart hasn't. there are a lot of layers that can cover up and hide what is important. my leg is asleep and i feel like i ate too much.