Open up your eyes, open up your eyes

Life is so odd lately. I would be a liar to say that I didn't prefer it though. I think that Mr. Cohen puts it pretty damn well in one of the most beautiful songs I've ever heard. He says
"...But love is not a victory march it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah."
"And maybe there's a god above, But all I've ever learned from love was how to shoot somebody who outdrew ya. Well it's not a cry that you hear at night, it's not somebody who's seen the light, it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah."
obviously I've taken these words from their context to apply to my situation. But man, does it fit. I wrote a post earlier talking about how we allow ourselves to view life and our emotions. I've had a bit of a dark history emotionally speaking. In the process of learning to deal with it on a daily basis, I kind of just accepted that it as part of who I was. There is something good about that. I never want to be in denial about who I am. But I just kind of became weak because of it. As if I was... you know what it is like? On The Never Ending Story when atreyou is guiding his horse through the swamp of sorrow, or whatever it was called. That is exactly what I was like. (and still am in a lot of ways, but I'm working on it) you have to know where you are and what you are dealing with to be able to get through it. But if you are too accepting of it, it will overpower you and you will begin to think that reality and the present is completely contained in your small line of sight which is ever growing dim and narrow. Thinking of those situations I wish I could have had someone just scream to me "OPEN UP YOUR EYES!!!"
I think I have a hard time admitting to myself that, quite often, I have viewed my life as a failed chance to have a full and meaningful and classic and wonderful and beautiful existence. I constantly fear that I am stuck forever in this sub-life. It feels sometimes as if I have fallen in a well or something and I can hear life going on above me, sunny and beautiful and full of wonder and meaning. And I sit looking around, baffled about how I ended up here and the fact that it seems impossible to get out and join the others.
a lot of times sitting in the studio in Whittier feels like this. Especially lately because there is so little going on right now with the band. I can see the effects of emotional wear on the other guys as well. I need to open up my eyes though. It's kind of funny, sometimes I can get lost in metaphors. A lot of times I will try and climb myself out of that well. I will work so hard. I will fight and tear and reach. A cherished friend of mine told me lately that I have nothing to fight. Only to 'realize' myself out of the well, so to speak.
a lot of times these situations we find ourselves in, the dark times, are like illusions. I mean they are real, but they come with the illusion that they are an all encompassing reality or truth. This is life, there is nothing outside of this hardship. No hope no beauty. You can't even conceive of the idea that it might be a beautiful sunny day somewhere else when you are in the midst of a storm.
ok, I feel that I am thinking about this too much. It is kind of where I am at but like I said earlier, I am trying to deal with things differently now. We only really have two choices in these situations;
one is to do like we usually do and accept our death. In my experience, the acceptance has usually been the actual cause of death.
or two, we can break the mold! We can open up our eyes when they feel so heavy and tired. We can seek out the wisdom and beauty that the Lord has in store for us! Sometimes it means hoping when there is no sign of redemption anywhere in sight. It means holding tightly to what is good and lovely. It's not a fight or a surrender. It is listening hard for the quiet whisper of your spirit when your flesh is screaming. It is a grace that I desire so desperately. So I continue to learn.