does anybody else feel like as you get older it becomes harder to not feel envy of other people's lives? I just feel like when I was younger, there was no question. I loved my life and my circumstances and everything about it. I wouldn't have changed it for anything. But now, just every once in a while, i will hear about something regarding one of my friends and I will get this burning sense of jealously. it is really weird. I know that it is probably a result of the fact that there are parts of my life that i am not completely happy with ie. my job. it is hard also when you see your peers attaining certain status in life not to compare where you're at with where they are. also, and i think even more applicable is when this feeling comes up because of social situations. i don't know, it is weird. i almost feel weird even writing about it because i don't fully trust my thoughts on all of this. i definitely know that there is a bit of self-pity and mind over matter (or mind over circumstance) involved here.

This past weekend I spent with a bunch of my close guy friends. I spent most of the time, wether it looked like it or not, observing how everyone interacted and realized that there is something that I'm missing, something I've lost. I could blame it on all these things like that I'm just really busy with school or whatever it is I try to tell myself each day I'm faced with this awful truth. And here it is, at least my theory of what it is; I'm getting older and the older I get the harder it becomes to change. There is more involved in this but I think this is a big part of it. I naturally tend towards reacting and thinking in ways that I never would have when I was young. I know too much (or at least i think i do) now about the world and people. I know that most people are just as malicious and self righteous as i am at their bad moments and that they have the same desires just to be content and fulfilled with their life. The qualities that I used to cherish about myself, ways I saw the world that made me feel like I had a special and intimate connection with God, mankind and nature; now that I've lost these things I see them in others and just pass it off as naive.

i think that what is most attractive to other people is someone who is happy with where they are in life no matter where they are. we are all smart and intuitive people, we can see right through someone if they are trying to act like they are happy with the cards they've been dealt, even more we are irresistibly attracted to genuine happiness. i think it is because it is something that everyone longs for in one way or another in a very profound and deep way.

i've been really upset with myself because i feel like ive been such a downer lately. i get so bitter and bummed out about my job. i feel embarrassed when my friends stop by and say hello. I completely flip my whig when a customer is rude to me or treats me like i am nothing. I throw this huge pity party for myself when my boss yells at me for something I didn't do. I sit in my classes at school and get so pissed off at how lame all the kids are in class. they things they talk about and the way they talk about them. it is my own personal quick-sand. i try so hard to fight and wriggle my way out of it based on my narrow understanding of myself and my circumstances and it only makes me sink that much faster. I am loosing what was once a natural ability to just stop and relax, look around and know that it will work out and there is no point in doing anything other than seeing the good and trying to be the good.

I don't want to waste my life away dreaming of somebody else's adventure. I don't want to miss out on the wonderful things that I could be getting out of life because I feel like i deserve for everything to come to me in nicely wrapped, attractive and free little packages.