a new new year

so the new year is coming up. if you know me well, like really well, you know that i am a pessimist at heart who is insecure about being too negative. i've always been kind of anti-new years in general. it always seems like everyone makes such big deal about what they are doing for the new year. what party they are going to and who will be there. why do we feel this need to be at the center of it all when we are saying goodbye to last year and welcoming in the new? what if new years was a holiday about solitude? about spending time in quite to look back to learn and look forward to dream. that was never something that i accomplished with a fancy new years party. usually it seems that most everyone is concerned with some determination to party as if it were the end of the world. and when that happens, everyone just wakes up to a hangover and wishing that they hadn't partied so hard for the first hours of a new year. then everyone just goes back to their daily routine and there is your new year. i don't know. i just feel like i don't want this one to be another typical new years because i need to have a feeling of moving on this year. from what? i don't know exactly. maybe its not as much a moving on as it is a getting back. if you're going to make some changes, just do it. why does it have to be some holiday? some grand occasion? but it has taken me 29 years to realize that i am not somebody who can "just do it." maybe the subtle structure of an occasion and tradition is a good reminder to look at your life over the last year and trying and figure out a few ways to break old bad habits and start some new positive ones. so now i'm thinking that a few new years resolutions may be just what i need! oh the joys of growing old! you get to do all these new and exciting things like get uglier, more serious, more stressed and less adventurous. Now on top of that i can throw all of my core principles out the window in order to make my life a neatly, micro-managed little spit wad! rosie always used to keep me in check by telling me every once in a while "you would've done it in high school." she always seems to know exactly how to keep it punk rock. i'm not very punk rock any more. that makes me feel kind of comfortable in an uncomfortable way. i think i like the feeling of being uncomfortable in a comfortable way better. now i can barely drink two glasses of wine without getting a hang-over on par with feeling like someone parked a tractor on my face while i was sleeping.

ah! introspection has always been such a fun little black hole for me. so anyways, i know for a fact that there are just some things that i could do without. things that i think that i enjoy at the time that leave me feeling horrible about myself and life. i think i am going to keep an ongoing list until new years and then i will finally decide on the actual day. god am i really saying this?! here are a few new years resolution ideas i've been throwing around:

-one thing that always has me feeling stressed and miserable is that i am a financial retard (note for rosie: using the word "retard," very socially unacceptable, very punk rock), so I am going to try to really be better about how i budget my money and try to save a little this year. at the start of the year i am going to be making car payments and rent again so i need to tighten down my shit! i found a pretty cool website to help me with this called mint. (apology to rosie: using an online website to help you budget money, not very punk rock, never would've done that in high school, back to zero)

-another thing i'd like to change is to work on being a better friend. i'm always bummed about never seeing friends enough. so i am going to try to be better about calling up my friends more often just to chat. if you know me, you know that i hate talking on the phone. most of the time that is the only way to keep contact though. and as a side-resolution, i want to try and be sober when i make those calls.

-i need to read more thoreau, i love him and his is very punk rock.

-i need to read more vonnegut, i love him, i don't know what he is but i know that him and i think a lot alike and he keeps me feeling like me.

-i need to be more adventurous, the cheaper the adventure the better. this is not just a financial issue either, it is a quality issue. know what i mean?

ok now a flood of ideas are floating in and i need to think on them some more. so we'll start here. just a few resolution ideas, i'm kinda freaked out by this because one, it's so conventional; and two i'm very doubtful of my ability to make these resolutions long-term resolutions. on the other hand though, like HDT would say "man is the artificer of his own happiness" fuck ya! HI HO