why do i always feel guilty about those times when i am busy and just simply don't have much time to spend on here writing to myself? it's good that i'm busy. i think maybe it could be that i know the importance of reflection and introspection in my life. it is is something vital to my sanity. i need to know where i've been, where i am and where i am going. not that i'm not spontaneous, its not that kind of thing, i think it's more a matter of self realization and it's continual maintenance. things have been interesting lately because we've decided to give it "one last go" with we barbs. i have been all over the map as far as feelings go on this issue. all in all i know that this is something i have to do. its been my only real dream my whole life and i can't forfeit that. i'd rather loose miserably and have everything ruined because of it than just say, "well, it's not a stable move" and "i've invested so much in school" or any of that nonsense that my parents would love me to think. the truth is, music has become my biggest investment so far. i don't know how this is going to pan out. this has probably got me feeling out of sorts lately, thus making me feel like i don't have a single, clear, solid thought in my head.

in other news, i went on a date last night and it was simply wonderful. i saw a girl at school, thought to myself, damn she's pretty... and two semesters later finally got the guts to ask her out. i've never just asked a girl out that i didn't know. i felt like i was thirteen and probably was talking likewise. i'll spare the details, but i would say bravo to a glorious defeat of my social anxieties. i got so close to talking myself out of it, even on the way to the date! i had a wonderful time and i was completely myself. this may sound strange but it was very empowering.

ok no more of that nonsense.