back from a wonderful weekend (week actually) in big bear and man, what a strange whirl of emotions it always puts me through when i come back from big bear! i feel this strange purity from it every time. after i had finished helping to clean up the cabin that a few friends had rented and said goodbye to the rest who remained, i walked out back and got into my dad's boat to take it back and clean it up. right before turning into the bay where the boat slip is, i quickly u-turned around and went for one last little drive to catch the sun slowly slipping into the mountains. it is such a beautiful time of day in big bear. the light comes through the valley almost completely horizontally and casts the most dramatic shadows on the water and surrounding mountains giving everything this purple/orange glow.
i don't know if any of you have ever experienced that feeling that you get on the drive back from summer camp or a vacation or something. it is definitely a somber feeling but it is not completely hopeless because it is reflective of a very recent wonderfully romantic time. it is a feeling of such clarity and rawness. i have to say that although it is hard, i prefer it. it makes me feel like i am in touch with myself and the things that i love about life. Lord knows that it had been hard for me to feel those things lately and i appreciate how strongly i feel it now. I imagine that my last hours of life will feel like an incredibly magnified version of this type of moment.
i think that, i need this more often in my life. something to shake me up every once in a while and give assertion to the instincts i have about my life that there is something not completely right yet and that i should not feel guilty in my constant pursuit of that.
i had a talk with my parents after i had brought the boat back. it was a talk that we all knew was coming. i knew that they had been waiting for it and anticipating it when i got home. i could tell that the house was just recently cleaned-up and there was a certain quietness to it that suggested it too had just had a very busy weekend filled with guests, barbeque, drinking, laughing and busyness. my parents, freshly showered, were just relaxing and enjoying the quiet afternoon. i walked in and said hello and as soon as they saw i had finished re-settling myself, they both; my dad, setting down his kindle on the back patio table and my mom walking down stairs after folding the laundry, came and sat down at the table with me. I could tell that they had already been thinking about this conversation a lot because they kept interrupting me with questions. sorry, the mystery is not intended... we talked about what my plans were as far as if i was going to keep pursuing school or music. i have been dreading this because i do love my parents so dearly. i respect them and care a lot about their opinions. at times though i feel that this has become a detriment to my own individuality and choosing into the life that I want as opposed to the life that my parents would prefer for me. that life being one which involves a very specific time-line of going to college and earning a degree in a respectable field to find a secure career in order to lock in, put in my time, and support a family and begin building for a good retirement. i have no problems with this. most people have no problems doing this. the problem for me though, arises with how restrictive this kind of thought and life direction is. i had to explain to my parents, that i think that security and money are things that i desire, but i wont sell myself short and sacrifice everything that i have right now in order to do things the "conventional way." i told them that the life they've wanted for me for so long is just not my thing. i want movement, i want change. i'm not ready to lock myself down yet because i know that i will be stricken with regrets and what-ifs. someday i am sure that it will come. i still want more than anything to find a wife and have children, but i can't accept that to do that, i have to have this specific type of life. i want to meet someone with the same sense of adventure and outlook that i have.
i don't mean to say that all of this is how my parents feel or that they are wrong in their desires for me or even that their desires or life choices and any better or worse than my own. i just know myself and i know that it has to be different for me.
so we talked, or rather, i tried to explain myself as best i could while they kept asking me questions that would have made this all a lot easier if i had known how to answer them. but, somehow, after i felt that i was about to completely disappoint them, they completely surprised me and responded with such support and understanding. they said that hearing where i am coming from and talking about my dreams was a good reminder that i am not like them in some ways and that i am not going to go crazy or become homeless if i am not always completely financially secure. they just blew me away and turned what i thought was going to be a bummer of an end to an amazing weekend into the perfect end. it was so empowering to feel that they were ok with my decision to pursue things with the band. it also was a long needed reminder of what amazing parents i have. i think that out of insecurity, sometimes i will allow myself to falsely think that they are so different from me and close-minded and old fashioned and blah blah blah. what a fool i can be sometimes. instead of this being an uncomfortable interaction where i had to tell them "this is what i'm doing and i know it disappoints you but there's nothing i can do about it," they flipped the tables on me and gave me a wonderful sense of empowerment and freedom. god i love them.