10.20.10

Its always strange coming back home after being away for a while. I'm pretty sure that this time I have been anticipating it. Aware of the things that I've felt in the past. Vaguely aware of the things that make me go crazy with boredom or maybe just restlessness. Usually it feels more like sadness but I think that would be a really narrow way to put it. I'm sure that it mostly has to do with what you are coming back to. For me it was a back house at my uncle's, an empty wallet (or actually no wallet at all to be more accurate), no car, a fabulously futile single lifestyle and the looming clouds of the 30-year life mark on the horizon. I fear that I may been seen by some as... not necessarily a complainer (at least I hope not) but maybe a bit of a downer when it comes to my outlook on certain aspects of my life. I can be quite a pessimist. But I am a very honesty-driven person. I feel that I usually choose truth where most people would choose love or compassion. I think that I just want to be able to always know the complete truth and be able to handle it. I don't mean that as an opposite or better kind of love or compassion. Mostly it just has to do with the order I see things working in my head. You have to figure out the truth before you can be sure that your love and compassion are real. That is all. Which is why I think I may seem at times to almost obsess over my current situation. I don't feel settled about it and am having a hard time dealing with it. Composure is not a problem. I can be composed. Usually it is for others though, I don't think I have much use for it right now. The older we get, the more we prefer things to be pleasant and in order. We are supposed to spend only a few years sludging around in the shit of adolescent irrationality to figure a way out. So, for fear of flinging anything accidentally on anyone I type cast myself and that usually does the trick. Unfortunately, I can no longer trick myself with the steadiness of my own hands.

And that's a bummer.

Maybe the exciting and romantic part of being young and not having a clue is that you are in it with others. It's community, it always goes back to community for me. Hmmm..

So back to work for a bit. We'll see how that goes. I think I already know. It won't be for long though and it's always good to have something to look forward to. All my chips are in though. hi ho