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gotta get back into the groove of my life man. what happened to who i used to be and this drive to be an amazing person. i know i haven't talked to God in a while. why do i feel like if i don't capitalize the 'g' that i will be struck down with lightning? it's like the fact that i have never said the word G**dammit before. see, i can't even spell it out. i am not sure if it is true reverence or if it is like dressing up for church? i think one of the key hinges of learning to understand who you are in relation to the generations before you is this, tradition will inevitably get lost in translation. it will always start with sincerity but that can never last forever AND THAT IS OK! misunderstanding of this usually leads to a bitterness towards tradition when it is trully coming from the foul taste of insincerity. that's probably not a word. but anyway, i'm still in my pajamas and it is 1:15 pm. ahahahaha alex and vanessa and i are going to see eragon in like fifteen minutes i can't wait. there are few things i find more joy in than seeing movies in the movie theater. i have been obsessed with this show lately, friday night lights. i am not a football guy at all but this show is so well done that just the execution and the story is entertainment enough. everytime i watch it though i get all depressed and feel like a loser because i don't have a girlfriend. i'm reading a book right now called 'extremely loud and incredibly close' it is amazing. it makes me feel like an ok guy and like i can still be inspired. so living in big bear has it's ups and downs. i have to keep my mind busy though. the second i have a chance to think everything stops and the first thought in my head is, "holy shit! i'm 26 and i don't have a job and i live at home and i'm single and i have 1/2 a car!" not looking for pity or anything, believe me, if i wanted pity i could muster up quite enough myself. i'm thinking about moving to long beach soon though. that will make things way better, like 40% better. that's a lot of percent too. i would be living with nate and this girl melisa. they are both clean and awesome people. it will be good to live in that situation i think. ok so i am going to take this in small strides for once in my life. my new 'thing' is self control. i can take apart all of my worries and problems right now and see that one of the most consistent underlying reasons for most of my issues; bad eating, smoking, drinking, thinking, girls/masturbating, and a whole slew of others, is self control. this will make me look like a fool or super immature or something, but i have a huge problem with self control. i think that most of my life i have lived with this sub-concious mindset that if it feels good go for it until it threatens your immediate situation. i always worry that i am one of those assholes who think that honesty is king no matter what. like that mindset that says 'be honest and sincere about everything no matter who you hurt or how badly it fucks things up' i have been learning lately how much more important grace and kindness is you know? like i said i know that sounds stupidly obvious but for me it is one of those things that you have to come around to because it is not a natural human characteristic for me.