The Doldrums Romantique or Twenty-Something Spirituality the finally

so i feel i need to wrap up what i started a few days ago. it got kinda hairy and it didn't even need to, but even though all is good i feel like moving on. the basic idea was this:
my pursuits as an artist seem to be mostly self-centered. it may even be, at times, that the very basis of artistry for myself is self idolatry. it is my isaac if that makes any sense. i would love to say that my greatest earthly love and my deepest spiritual desire point to the same god, but i fear that at times it doesn't. (recently i have been discovering that "at times" is more in reference to my mindset rather than how it actually is, thank God!)
so i came to the conclusion that 'trying to be an artist' is kind of like 'riches' in the sense that it makes it harder for you to follow God if that is what you are pursuing. i know that this is all very case sensitive too. this all seemed to make even more sense when i realized that in the last few years i have grown more 'comfortably distant' from the Lord than i ever have in my life. tim confessed that he felt the same way about himself and that he feels that when you become a late 20 something you have to take on your spirituality for yourself. it is hard to do when there hasn't been much true solid ground to build on your whole life growing up. i am not pointing fingers, i am just saying that the God i knew growing up SEEMS to be pre-occupied elsewhere. it just feels like that.... it just REALLY feels like that.
i am reminded of when i first moved out of the house and moved into a trailer park with a white trash prince of the inland empire. i hated the new life that i was supposed to accept with bright eyes and big dreams. all i wanted to do was go back to my parent's nice clean house in the beautiful mountains. i was off to find my own nice place in the beautiful mountains. except, for some reason, i was supposed to start looking in the ghetto of san bernadino.
moving on, if it is true that striving for artistry (that sounds so stupid)gets in the way of serving God, would it bring me closer to the pressence of God to drop all of that and serve only Him without any distractions? taking this thought further, i wonder if that means that i could best serve God where there is no way i could make myself some kind of hero. cause, like i said earlier, i have seen some pretty lovely highs and some pretty low lows, and in both situations i was working my ass off to take credit and either become the hero or the martyr. so for me, selling everything i own and taking off to serve God is something that is extreme enough that i wonder if it would allow me to serve God best cause even now it is hard to write that without instantly romanticizing. this makes me think that maybe it would be the best situation to serve God living as normal a life as my imagination can conceive. or maybe i could stop all of this nonsense and just serve in whatever situation i am in and stop being such a nut case about it. anyway, this is where the whole mother teresa thing comes in....
from the little that i know about her, it seems as though she gave up everything to serve God. there wasn't a single comfort that she hung on to. she knocked hard on the door and it was opened. it has always been obvious that she had no other intention in doing this than to serve God. that is how it has to be to be genuine. so all she really could have justifiably desired from her sacrifices was a closer communion with God. she seems to have sacrificed more than everything. i think that death could even be thought an easier penance. she lived in filth and extreme poverty for the rest of her life following that one decision. and here is the thing that scares the shit out of me. mother teresa, the saint of the gutters, knocked and the door was opened. she gave it all up. this is an act so extreme that i can honestly not concieve of understanding. she entered through the door wanting nothing but to serve and please God, but when she entered in, He was not there. she could not even enjoy the one thing that you would think logically should come of taking on such a life.
and so now this news comes out and people scramble around like hell to try to understand or make sense of it. i will say this in all honesty, i don't get it. i have been a sincere christian all my life and i can't understand how this can happen. i don't buy any of the bullshit rationalizations that people are coughing up and trying to pass as sound theology. i am looking around and seeing how the world and people around me are handling this and none of it makes any sense to me. everyone is praising mother teresa for her unflagging dedication, but no one seems to be thinking, 'wait a second, this doesn't seem right.' i have read a bit of the excerpts and she seems to be honestly scared and desperate for hope. friends this scares me to tears. i can barely come up with a heaven that i would want to spend eternity in and i am supposed to give my life over to serving the god that may or may not show up?
where is my teen life study bible 'answers' section when i need it.