lindemands bin 50 shiraz

it's been a long time since i've looked forward to going to bed like i do tonight. like a kid who knows that it is going to be a wonderful world of dreams and replenishing to prepare you for the next day of discovery and living. this morning, when i woke up, i did something that i've not done since i was a child as well. the instant that i woke, i rolled over and looked down at the wood floor. i imagined that i had special sensory and could see deep into the cracks of the floor into a miniature world. i imagined that all of the noises i heard, from the sun bending and waking the house and the landscaping guys working outside and the cars driving past and the birds chirping and the meth addicts stomping around above were coming from this pinhead sized town that i was peeking into. i had not yet allowed the worries of the day or my schedule or the fear of sleeping in too long enter into my mind yet. i just laid there with my chin resting on the top of my hand and allowed myself to enjoy waking up to a new day. slowly i let the perimeter widen and grow into being fully awake. i didn't get all frustrated about the bills i have to pay or how little time i have to enjoy the day before work. i just let it happen and accepted that i'd probably be ok..... how is it that children are such geniuses at knowing how to truly and completely savor every moment?



right now i find that i have drank almost a whole bottle of wine by myself. it is not pitiful to me. i actually enjoy it. like watching a movie alone or eating out alone. but i feel like life lately feels like the drop of wine i am watching slowly creep down the outside of the bottle. i imagine starting as a grape. there was once a time where you were picked and molded, created and made to be a wonderful thing. you were matured in an over abundance of comfort and safety. there was no question when you were young that you were going to end up in the ideal position, somewhere you were made to be, somewhere that you and your maker, and your lover were all harmoniously complete and pleased with where you've ended up. a place of honor and prestige. then there is this exhilerating moment where you and everything you were meant to be are poured out and used and there is nothing in the world that is quite as exciting. but suddenly you find yourself confused and alone. just a drop. stuck in between where you were supposed to end up and where you came from. there is nothing you can do to reverse or change the situation. and you feel this incredible force of downward pull. all you have left is this one drop and with every single miniscule movement you loose a part of yourself and you shrink and shrink knowing that one day there will not even be a drop left but only the trace of what little there was left.