dependency.

so along with the last post i wrote i have been thinking a lot about the idea of dependency. maybe more in relation to addiction. i have been trying to stop drinkng coffee as much and i now drink this tea called yerba mate. it is good. when i don't have coffee i get really tired and have cold sweats and get headaches and get grumpy. this is not good. it scares me to rely on something so unimportant that would affect my being so much so i feel a heavy burden this dependency that blocks my body from creating the natural 'awake' feeling that i should just have from normal good sleep, diet and exercise.
i also had a funny realization through loosing my phone yestderday. we had a show last night in costa mesa so we decided to make a day of it and go to the beach durnig the day, grab some dinner with some friends in the area and then play the show. we had to pick up some gear from our practice space and a friends practice space. so we were doing a bunch of running around. when we got to the beach i realized i had lost my phone and i had no idea where it could've been. i had figured i left it at home but i wasn't sure. the whole rest of the day i had this weird feeling of nakedness without having my connection, my ability to text anyone i want at a moments notice and be sure that i wouldn't miss any texts i might receive which could contain life changing information. it struck me how dependent i had become on having my phone with me. i suddenly felt that same feeling that i had felt when i realized how dependent i had become on coffee. maybe this is just a time for me where i need to know that i am my own man. no matter what the circumstances are, i will be who i am and be ok with myself. i will not 'need'. i still feel that all of these thoughts are valid but they seem to have a specific 'clarity' right now.
later on, after we got home from the show at like two in the morning i looked all around the house and could not find my phone. i got back into the van and drove to our friends practice space like fifteen minutes away and pulled into the alley and found my phone lying in the middle of the street, completely unharmed or damaged. just a fun little lesson. thank you Lord.

i am currently trying to stop smoking and lessen how regularly i drink. i have been doing really well with it too. it is not cool or fun to me anymore. it makes me feel horrible now and it didn't before. from what i hear, and rosie can probably verify this, alcohol and smoking are some of the most detrimental things to your health and worsen any kind of health problem you might already have by quite a large amount. i know this might seem obvious but, for some of us it is a hard realization to accept.