do work son!

lately i'm always at a loss when i read oswald's daily postings.  every once in a while i'll come across a sentence which i had highlighted years previous.  something i had found a great revelation in.  usually if it just blew me away i would add a few exclamation points at the end of the sentence.  now i read through these and feel the distance.  today's talks about the things which we seek from Christ.  all i ever pray lately is just to grow closer to God.  what happened to the time when my relationship with Christ was so intimate and constant that these words would be so incredibly profound to me?  now i am like that careless student who gets called on to answer a question and, since he has not been thinking about the subject or doing his homework, or doing any of the things a student has to do to be successful, he just offers a bunch of "uhm... uh... I... uhmmm.."  so to take this comparison further, why am i waking up one day and just deciding, "i need to be an 'A' student again."  I think i've been wanting everything to just 'click' back into place without starting from a beginning again.  I need to start with the small things i think,  the baby steps.  this apathetic life that i've grown accustomed to crept in slowly.  so slow in fact that i didn't even really noticing the changing that was going on in my life.  One of my favorite quotes is by Thomas Paine, "what we earn too cheaply, we esteem too lightly."  I know that to re-enter into a spiritual life like i used to live is the most important thing i can do.  so then, why am i trying to wake up everyday and say, "ok i need to get back there!"  so i get up early, grab some joseph, put on some Portuguese renaissance choir music, and open up 'my utmost' and what happens?!  i am shown that it is going to be a lot more work than this.  it is work that begins the second i step out of here.