where is my mind right now.... i used to do this all the time.  just spurt out whatever was floating around up there.  i was just kind of overwhelmed by the fact that i have had this whole morning and early afternoon off and guess what i did with it?  nothing.  i spent it alone in a starbucks on my computer.  time is wasting and friends are growing further and further away and i sit here.  this is insane.  i think i'm giving up on the commune.  it's an idea.  that is all it's ever been.  it is not strong enough to live out obligation and apathy.  is it something worth hanging onto simply because the alternative is too devastating for any of us to accept, that we have the most amazing friends in the world and we won't ever get a chance to live out those relationships to their fullest?  in my times of doubting my faith i sometimes wonder about the power of our brains.  i think about what a horrifying idea it is to think that there is nothing after this.  not even nothing.  in those times i wonder if my fear of ending is so powerful that i have to believe in something, anything but the alternative.  is it powerful enough for my own body to lie to itself?  kind of like those stories you hear about the mother who's baby is trapped underneath a car and because her need is greater than anything, even laws of physics (or in my case, reality) she can walk over and lift the car by herself and save her child.  one thing i do know is that none of us are knocking down each other's doors to spend time together. myself included.  if this does mean so much and it is not worth giving up, why are all so content to tuck it away into the "someday" corner of our lives?  do most people who are older than us all come to a point where they give this up?  is this really as rare as we say it is?  or does everyone come to a point in their lives where they have to make some sort of decision?