last night after a few tasty brews, tim and i got to talking about the ever-genius henry david thoreau and tim reminded me of one of my favorite quotes of his, i've been thinking about it over and over ever since. it is my mantra, this is what it says

I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived.

i have switched majors once again. but this time i think it's for realsies. I've learned a lot about myself from this whole "freaking out about finding a career and locking yourself in for the rest of your life" thing, or what some would call "choosing a major." I've learned that I invest too much in what others think and i neglect what i dream of or even searching out what i truly want. I've also learned that, if i am creating, i don't have to be rich or incredibly secure. a lot of the choices i've made have been only about security, and making lots of money, and doing what others think i should do when the fact is, i've never wanted most of the things that most of the people around me want. i've never really felt like i see things the same way or "exist" on the same page as most people. I don't mean to set myself apart as special or anything like that. this is just who i am and have always been.
Another thing i've been learning about lately is that my scope is too wide. i want to do too many things and i see myself becoming, as the saying goes, a jack of all trades and master of none. I think that is part of the reason i am 29, single, completely un-established and still trying to figure out what i want to do with my life. I don't mean that in the sense that i've been wasting my time, its that i've more just kind of been floating over it all, not really willing to cling onto something and really dig deep. Now that I am realizing this, i feel my desires changing. i want to grab on and ride to the depths. i want to recklessly abandon the world and explore a trade. I need this. i cannot live like i have been over the last few months. it will only make me more lonely, more confused about who i am, more separated from those i love and, inevitably i will eventually die out completely. that sounds dramatic and weird i know. i don't care. i don't need to explain myself to myself.
so the major i have chosen is called product design. i don't want to talk a ton about it because i have a way of doing that and then a week later be into something completely different. but, like i said, i feel right about this. i feel like it is in line with my dreams and who i truly am. not who my parents or my piers think i should or would enjoy to be. I want this. i want this incredibly bad. bad enough that i won't get discouraged or even slowed down by opposition. i want to ride this beast to the depths and discover.