just got back from a little trip and some shows with delta spirit. We played bottom of the hill in San Francisco on monday, the cellar door in a surprisingly cool Visalia and tonight we play the bootleg theater in LA. So far they have been wonderful little shows and great company. those guys, those guys are good guys. its so insane to see how much they've grown as musicians and a band. now they are selling out venues like the bootleg theater no problem and their fans just go bonkers for them. it felt so good to be back in the only thing close to what would consider "my element." The three of us had so many moments on this trip where we would just be relishing the feeling of being back out and playing again. there are some times where it just feels so right, i would even call it spiritual, to be playing music full time. then there are other times when i get so scared about the fact that i'm 29, have no real serious schooling to show, no girl to share life with, no career. i have no niche. i've become too well rounded and all i feel like i am doing is rolling around when everyone else around me is discovering and establishing their place and person. i'm loosing friends because i am not married and the single social circle is growing rapidly smaller. i am the last kid to get picked up from camp. maybe this all points to the fact that music is the only thing that i've really invested myself in over the last 5 years but i somehow feel like that is a choice that should be heavy with guilt and apologies. i know my parents will be "upset" if i tell them that i am going to start doing music full time again. i've been telling them my whole fucking life though that i am not them. i will not be happy trying to lead a life that they see as "respectable" or "stable" they've never used those words but i hear it screaming every time i tell them that we had a show and their reply is, "oh... so you're still doing that... stuff?"

i don't know though, maybe this is a point that i've needed to come to for a long time now and am over-due for it. i love my parents more than anything and i respect the hell out of them but they don't know me in a way that would help them to really understand why I can't give this up yet.

i think i just need to get out of here or something. i feel the sand under my feet slowly washing away and i can't hang around till i just topple over. everyone seems to have their own shit figured out and so i feel like i no longer have any partners in this searching except with the band. this sounds horrifically self pitiful i'm sure but its my blog and i need just just get these thoughts down and out of my head cause its kind of driving me fucking crazy.

recently i've been doing some random task, driving to school, at work, whatever and i will hear a song and it will just completely mystify me. those moments become so clear in showing that i truly do have such a deep love for this art. it is probably the one and only thing that i have ever been able to be completely vulnerable with. vulnerable to the point of complete helplessness and loss of worth. i've always known that with God and in love, these are things that you are supposed to endeavor to find as the pinnacle of a relationship (at least in some respect, maybe not completely). it is the only relationship i've had where i am incapable of ego. if it were at all malicious, i would become its whore, completely helpless against anything else. but it is not and i can have a relationship with it. i can feel like i am living life on purpose.