i just want it all to be quiet, just quiet. and white................
i want my thoughts to stop screaming at me and just whisper to me. i want my eyes to enjoy being open. i want my heart to be free and eager to experience life, not sore and infected like a scab that makes you cringe in pain just to touch. i want every song to be the perfect song in every exact moment. i want it to be so quiet that you can laugh with just your eyes and cry when you need to. i want to kill words and never let another word sneak from my mouth bound for misinterpretation unless it is "fuck you" or "i love you." and if you have a hard time reading that then read it over and over again until you understand because i am tired of explaining the life out of every word i don't mean to say.
i remember winter nights in big bear when i was younger, when it snowed on park and wren. all sound would be muffled in the air. it would be so quiet at night that you would think to yourself that if you tried hard enough you could hear the snowflakes landing softly and laying together. the only light that made it through the air was the street light on the corner which made huge white flakes appear out of pitch black. it seemed as if you were looking through a huge hole into a whole other world. you could stand in the street and the whole world was no more than as far as you could see by the street light. then inside it would be so warm and soft. i would wait till around nine o'clock when everyone was home for the night and the snow began erase all evidence of movement. i would put on layer after layer till my whole body was encased in warmth and step out into the cold. behind our house was a small empty field and when it snowed enough it would look like a huge, perfectly made bed without a single wrinkle. i would make my way out to the middle and lay there on my back. not a thought in my head, nothing at all. it was just quiet and white, that is it, there was nothing else in existence, ever. it was so dark and i would just lay there as long as i could stand it. and it was so quiet and white, just quiet and white.
i want my thoughts to stop screaming at me and just whisper to me. i want my eyes to enjoy being open. i want my heart to be free and eager to experience life, not sore and infected like a scab that makes you cringe in pain just to touch. i want every song to be the perfect song in every exact moment. i want it to be so quiet that you can laugh with just your eyes and cry when you need to. i want to kill words and never let another word sneak from my mouth bound for misinterpretation unless it is "fuck you" or "i love you." and if you have a hard time reading that then read it over and over again until you understand because i am tired of explaining the life out of every word i don't mean to say.
i remember winter nights in big bear when i was younger, when it snowed on park and wren. all sound would be muffled in the air. it would be so quiet at night that you would think to yourself that if you tried hard enough you could hear the snowflakes landing softly and laying together. the only light that made it through the air was the street light on the corner which made huge white flakes appear out of pitch black. it seemed as if you were looking through a huge hole into a whole other world. you could stand in the street and the whole world was no more than as far as you could see by the street light. then inside it would be so warm and soft. i would wait till around nine o'clock when everyone was home for the night and the snow began erase all evidence of movement. i would put on layer after layer till my whole body was encased in warmth and step out into the cold. behind our house was a small empty field and when it snowed enough it would look like a huge, perfectly made bed without a single wrinkle. i would make my way out to the middle and lay there on my back. not a thought in my head, nothing at all. it was just quiet and white, that is it, there was nothing else in existence, ever. it was so dark and i would just lay there as long as i could stand it. and it was so quiet and white, just quiet and white.
2 comments:
wonderful.
it's so good that i'm making it worse by commenting. i was having "one of those days" yesterday and it's wierd because i stopped at park and wren for a while and so much went through my mind, from when we used to camp in the trailer and dare seth to run out into the street naked, to when we used to sneak smokes on the front porch and then put on your sisters lotion so your mom wouldn't smell it on us, and everything in between. that was beautiful derek, my favorite.
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