let me share something that i am learning right now. life can be painful. obvious. my life lately has felt like a slow dripping of vinegar on an open cut. here is the thing that i am realizing though. the pain is something that i have misplaced for most of my life. usually what i would do during hard times is first, feel pain or hardship... then i would shift all of my focus onto it and let it take over my whole mind and heart. you know what happens when you do this?! when you are distracted because you are focusing on the pain, your mind blurs focus on reality! so this is what i have been realizing lately. if focusing on the problem or the pain and dwelling in it and letting it take you over causes you to lose sight of what is real and true then the opposite of that statement should be true as well. i am in the middle of this so i don't know exactly how things are going to happen but i honestly have a good feeling about it. instead of focusing on this slow drip of vinegar on my open wound, i am accepting it and using it to sharpen my focus on reality and truth and what is good and beautiful.
i have been super sensitive lately. like a finger tip rubbed raw. not depressed or sad, just hyper sensitive. i have been super aware of my spiritual and emotional surroundings. they have been much more pungent lately. i can honestly say without exaggerating that the world around me has been caving in and threatening to take my dreams with it. i feel that i am in the state i am because God is trying to show me how to deal with this situation. i have been trying my hardest to learn about Christian mysticism lately (i understand that this statement may be worrisome or annoying. it is honestly not a big deal) but from what i gather, the main idea is to learn to constantly be spiritually aware of your surroundings and, throughout that, to grow to understand and gravitate towards the true heart of God. there have been so many times in my life where i have been presented with a situation that is either negative or just completely heart breaking and i always have thought 'well this sucks that this is happening to me. i have no choice but to do anything else but be sad and upset about this.' what i've been realizing lately (and slowly for most of my adult life) is that we have more control than we allow ourselves to think. i want to start looking at these situations and thinking 'wow i must have something great to offer from myself to make this situation better.' i will be scroll honest with you guys right now. since i know it is only my closest friends that read this...
things are really not looking good for our band right now. there has even been talk of our record being shelved. we cant get a tour to save our lives. (this is something that, at our point in our career is more than normal and expected to happen) we supposedly have the best booking agents in the US and the UK. but we aren't getting anything. most of the guys are really not handling things well lately. this is the situation i am talking about. what if...
instead of thinking in ways which i normally would (which usually include epic proportions of drama and depression and self pity) what if i were to think "i will not let this affect my grasp on reality. i will see this as an opportunity to be an encouragement and a driving force in taking back what is rightfully ours!!!!.... OUR DREAMS!!!!!!!!!!" holy shit!!! it would be a miracle for me. to tell the truth, i honestly think it would be more powerful than i even realize.
it's kind of funny, i just thought about if there were anything else besides music that i would be willing to go through such a ringer for like this... no matter how much of a hypocrite i may be in the morning i will say right now that your dreams are such a strange thing because they can only be fully experienced and fulfilled through fighting for them. i would love to say that music is something that i would fight for no matter how many battle wounds i have or how badly i get hurt. wow i sounded pretty confident in that last sentence. (keep in mind that i am a few under) i feel quite a bit of darkness all around me. i can honestly say i am fighting. i don't know the decisions i will make or where i will end up, but as of right now i have decided to only look to God and myself. i am done waiting for someone to give me a hand. i am done writing this stupid blog because i am pretty tucked.
love,
derek