The Doldrums Romantique or Twenty-Something Spirituality Article: 01

last night tim, brandon and i had this wonderful time together drinking and smoking and talking about the wonders and horrors of everything and nothing and it all occurred on my front steps. i love those guys so much it's retarded. it was just what i needed after feeling so stuck in this little cool infested bubble. i have friends here but not like my closest friends who all live in places other than long beach. i sometimes find myself wondering, "wait a second... these people are supposed to be my friends right?" cause i have been so spoiled by being surrounded, most of my young life, by the most quality people that i've ever had the privilege to call friends.
in these kinds of long needed conversations there begins a process of refinement. you begin to realize, in the time you have been apart from your closest friends, the distance you've traveled away from who you really are deep down; who you are when you are around people that you know truly do love you. these realizations usually leave me pretty repulsed. our conversation last night was instantly deep and honest and edifying. it is wild how naturally this comes about with us. i confessed that i've been in a considerable rut lately, a true mess of depression and stale spirituality. we talked about the difficulty you face in your later twenties of owning your own spirituality and navigating it consciously and selflessly.
we talked about being young and artistic and poverty stricken. i've thought much lately about the sacrifices i've made to be an artist, the things i've let pass me by. we talked about the mentality you have if you view yourself as an artist. i explained that i was having a hard time at my new job as a barista (again) at peet's coffee. i explained that, as an artist, i view, or maybe rather justify, this job as a means to allow me to be able to continue creating. ok so i think that what i am and will be eventually getting to is a much bigger idea than i feel i can fully express in one sitting because of the thought i still have to put into it and also just the time and words that it will take. anyone is really reading this, i want to write this all out because i feel that i am at a very important and pivotal point of thought and spirituality right now and i want to use this blog to help organize and develop my thoughts. i will dedicate the next few days’ worth of blogging to getting to my end point, which, funny enough, i bet will end as a question. i think i would like to include the previous blog about mother teresa in this as well maybe as an introduction. no that sounds too pretentious. i don't think i want to waste time with trying to make things understandable or cheeky or proper or interesting for others. i get too side tracked because i want to impress people and have them read this piss and tell me it is worth something which i will take in turn and feel good about myself. so now i embark, i push off into something that i am honestly afraid of where it might take me. the accountability of this being readable to anyone of my close friends gives me courage to just go for it in hopes that along the way someone will have the courage to tell me i am foolish or wrong.