ok let me preface this one with an appology because i was super tired when i wrote it and i am sure it may sound a bit childish at times. that being said.....
in the last blog i left off in the middle of making a point and i didn't realize it. i feel lame about that because it sounded like i was saying something good about myself. like patting myself on the back for all these sacrifices i make to be an artist. the thing about that, and what i was really meaning to express, is this:
i used to think so highly of myself because i was 'still making a go at it' while everyone else was falling in love, going to school, and making babies. i always saw these as some big dead end, which i dreaded because of what it would do to my precious creative endeavors. now i go to big bear to be with my family and my older sister and brother-in-law have a beautiful new boy and they are making a family. they glow like.... glow... worms... whatever, you know what i mean. my little sister and her husband josh seem super content where they are in life as well because all of the schooling that josh has been in, working his ass off for so long, is finally paying off. paying off big. like, really big. they just enjoy each other’s company so fully and wonderfully. my parents just sit back and enjoy all of this. the company and being grandparents and all the other joys that come with their lives right now. i have friends who share these same feelings of joy within family and love. so i spend a few days every month with them and as soon as i get back home i all of a sudden feel this miserable and complete loneliness and emptiness caused by the contrast of our lives. i know that this can sound quite self-pitiful and i am sure that most of it is. but there is also, and more importantly, something to be said about the mindset i have developed that has eventually led me to this state.
so here is what my point is.... i, like many of my friends view myself as an "artist." i hold off as long as i can from getting a normal minimum wage job because i am an "artist" i have so much better things to do than all of my co-workers because i am an "artist." i work the same job as them and do the same exact things but it is different because i am doing this just because i have to. so i justify accepting normality by convincing myself that i am only in the same situation right now as these "normal" people by coincidence. as soon as i can, i will journey back into my "artistic" world of being a nomad (lonely), an outcast from normal society (insecure), poverty stricken (lazy), a derelict (trying to look like a hip/attractive bum), equipped only with my street smarts (charade), my intellect (sitting in a coffee shop pretending not to be painfully stumbling through some classic like 'crime and punishment' or 'brothers Karamazov') and last but obviously not least, my artistry (self glorification.) there is the whole point.
and we finally reach the first real landmark of our conversation. the fact that maybe the root or drive behind being an artist in my (and many others) situations is based in pursuing your own self glorification and self serving desires. i mean i would love to say that i only want to create art to give glory to God and as a way of praising Him. but that would be a lie. i have always been obsessed with trying to create that beauty which has always touched me so deeply and perfectly. i honestly am not sure if that really is a feeling that makes me feel closer to God or if saying 'it makes me feel closer to God' is just a way to describe what it feels like. so i spend all my life and time striving to be an artist and be all the things that i have been taught comes with the artistic lifestyle. i always used to tell myself that i felt like God's special calling on my life was to be a musician in a secular world that can be a light to those dark places that most believers don't go. that is when i came to this one very important realization; i feel like i have already lived some of the highest highs and lowest lows that i may experience in my life and in both situations, when i was in my self proclaimed fulfillment of my God-given purpose on this earth, you know what i did instead of bring glory to God? i thought completely of myself. i would even go as far as to say that those were some of my most selfish moments.
ok so that seemed to take way too long to get to that point. but i will leave this one off with this thought and input is more than welcome. the bible says that it is harder for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven than for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle. riches being what most people would consider the 'height' of life could mean more than just money right? so what that is saying is that there are things that we find pleasure in, earthly things that the whole world around us glorifies and praises, that will take you in the opposite direction of heaven. so take all those things and my question is, what is the opposite direction and what does it look like?
4 comments:
I feel remissed leaving my thoughts in some arbitrary comments section on your blog. Truthfully, I feel remissed leaving a comment at all. Simply because your struggles and questions are just another form of my own, therefore, leaving a comment sounds as if I have an "answer" but I don't. But here are some hap hazard thoughts:
God does not want your art or your lyrics or your poverty or sacrifices. He wants YOU. That is the only surrender that counts. Once we have learned to "give over" ourselves (which I think will be a life long endeavor) than all things that flow from that surrender are as "complete" as they ever will be. That is why I believe a janitor or a man worth 50 million can both be "good and faithful servants", becuase they gave themselves.
I also feel anything we persue as an "end", rather than a "means"(examples: family, art, human love creativity, money, or religion)will fall short of fullfilling our longing. Our hearts only truly long for One thing, and that is Him. It just gets lost in translation down here. Those things can all be good, but they are only great when they draw us to Him.
So I aggree with your last assertion, anything we make our "everything", whether it be money or fame or poor-starving crativity, or moral piousness, etc....any of that can keep us from our ultimate purpose on earth.
Maybe I'm wrong, but all that is in my heart. Thanks for writing all that out, you are good at expressing yourself and your honesty humbles me, friend.
First of all, none of those things, getting married, having kids, working, acting grown up or whatever, keep you from being an artist. alot of people lose that when they "settle down" and i do think there is a different artistry that comes out of people who do "settle down" and still have the same passion, and alot of people that arent married or have kids just dont see it the same way. this is something that bothers me everyday. i do not mean that to sound elitist. and second, Rosie nailed it in paragraph 2. Third, i hate that you are miserable when you go home and so you know when you leave i get bummed too. i always pictured when one of us had kids the others would always be around, but its not like we pictured, not at all.
i loved this post derek. i loved that you so honestly revealed the "artist" lifestyle. i don't have an answer to your question, but it got me thinking. please come over to our house and we can have an evening talking.
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